This is my charmed life.
My Saturday started with a delightful invitation from a law school classmate to pick wild flowers on his acreage. Armed with my best shears, I gleefully celebrated the humble goldenrod as our state flower while filling my bucket to the brim. As I leaned in for the Black Eyed Susans, a wave of sadness gently washed over me. I was reminded of a bit of heaven on earth from my married life.
Like many who go through divorce, a treasured piece of land I loved had to be sold. It was the place I went to where my most important morning chore was to gather daisies for a bouquet that I would proudly place on the kitchen table set for dinner for two.
By the afternoon I was face down on the massage table. Unlike the year of my divorce when I meticulously monitored my checking account to juggle climbing credit card debt, I now have the luxury of fitting an occasional massage into my budget.
The tension tightening my shoulders floated away to the soft sounds of classical guitar. I reflected on my seemingly endless blessings. Without warning, my eyes filled. I tell my coaching clients that tears are simply energy moving, a releasing and letting go. I tried to remind myself of this before my massage therapist had to hand me a tissue.
On my way out, a dear friend texted--- Did I know that one of my favorite local bands was playing at a street dance? An hour later I was dancing to reggae rhythms with Darelynn, her husband, and a host of dancers half my age.
I smiled as I moved. I thought about how I had danced to these same songs over the years with both the husband from whom I am divorced and my husband who died. I danced without resting, grinning nonstop. Until that song. The one that returned that ache to the center of my chest. I closed my eyes, placed my hands over my heart, and held on to a sweet memory of years gone by as Planet of Love filled the air.
In a single day I had one man give me ten bouquets of flowers, a second man touch my naked body from my head to my toes, and a third man dance with me as the sun set in the sky above us.
In a single day I both celebrated and grieved so much of what I miss about being married. Having a field of flowers to get lost in. Having my feet rubbed when I wore my high heels longer than I should have. Dancing with a partner I love.
During divorce, we may experience many losses, from our cherished living room lamp or view of the lake to our hiking companion or Sunday mornings with our children. Some are big. Some are small. In time, we may find those empty places filled. While we may continue to carry our grief with us, it need not stop us from celebrating our joy where we find it.
In a single day, my mind, body and spirit were renewed. The heartache of my losses does not leave me, but it passes gently among the music and the flowers.